The Struggle

Wanting to be a Mom

I’ve always wanted to be a mom, always. When I was 4, my preschool had one of those super adorable questionnaires about my favorites. They asked my favorite color, my favorite food, what I don’t like, and what I wanted to be when I grow up. I know there were other questions, but I don’t remember all of them. What I do remember is this: I hated the dresses my mom picked out (still true to this day. I won’t wear dresses in general.) and that I wanted to be a mom when I grow up.  There was a period in my late teens/early 20s where I said I absolutely did not ever want children but that was due to my life circumstances.  I met my ex-husband when we were 18, got married around 20, and we had Ray when we were 21,  just barely adults.

First Children

When Ray was born in 2004, I knew as soon as he was placed on my chest that I was meant to be a mother. My life suddenly had meaning and a reason to move forward. I grew. I changed as a person. I grew stronger. I was no longer quiet and meek. I stood up for myself more, not much but more. When Zachary was born in 2007, my life was in upheaval (going through a divorce), but I still knew in my heart that despite all of the turmoil in my personal life, I was meant to be his mom. I knew I would fall in love again and have more children, and I wanted that. I wanted my two oldest children to have an active and loving father, and I wanted them to have siblings. I wanted them to know the unconditional love of parents who love them fully, and I wanted them to know the unconditional love and friendship of having siblings.

Our Love Story

 

 

Kasey and I met when I was pregnant with Zachary, and we fell in love pretty quickly. We both knew. There were no games, and no pretenses. We just knew. We had a rough patch where we broke up for a few months, but then we quickly found each other again. We were married within 4 months and pregnant with Chris just as quickly. We had Caleb in 2013 after many miscarriages, and then Benjamin came along in 2015 as a huge surprise! God sure knows best for us, though, and our family is perfect.  Kasey is my strength when I need it. He is a great father. He adopted Ray and Zachary this past May, and our family feels complete.

 

 

Longing

Or does our family feel complete? I have 5 beautiful boys. I have 5 angel babies in Heaven. It’s been a tough road, but I still feel that yearning for another one. I don’t know if that yearning will ever go away. Caleb’s birth and pregnancy were terrifying, and Ben’s healed me so very much, and I think we just need to not do it again. I do not want to lose any more babies. I don’t know if I could handle another pregnancy full of severe morning sickness. When I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t know if I could handle another high needs baby, or another high needs pregnancy. I just don’t know if I have it in me to do it again. But yet I still have that longing. However, my tubes were tied with my c-section with Benjamin. I think it was a way of being able to control something that is normally very uncontrollable.

So now what?

Ben is 2.5. He’s working on potty learning. He’s working on weaning. We are about to turn him forward facing. He’s talking like a toddler and not a baby. He’s growing quickly. Every other child, I’ve been trying to get pregnant or pregnant already at this age, but not this time. This time I’m done and there’s no more coming. This is it, and now I’m struggling with what I’m going to do. Who am I going to be if I’m not a pregnant, breastfeeding mom? I feel lost and not sure where to go.  What do I want to do? Who do I want to be? I still want to be their mom. I will always be their mom, but I am no longer in the baby section of my life. I’m moving past that, and that is a hard transition. Car seats are turning around. Diapers are slowly being used, and will, hopefully, not be bought again soon. Baby clothes are not being held on to for the next baby, but bagged up and donated or given to my nephew. It’s bittersweet, and I am looking forward to this next chapter of our lives, but I am struggling with letting it all go. For 13 years I have been a mom. I have been a breastfeeding supporter. I have been a baby wearing teacher and advocate. I have put so much of my identity in baby time, I almost feel like I do not know who I am without that.

 

Finding my Interests

I’m slowly finding my own interests. I’m slowly finding things I like that do not involve my children. I love makeup. I love helping other women feel pretty and confident. I have finally started losing weight and getting healthy following the Ketogenic Diet. I found a great company called Lemongrass Spa, and casually sell it and help other women feel pampered. I’ve started reading again. I used to love to read books, so I have been going to the library every week to get books. It’s slow progress, but I still feel like I’m missing something. Maybe one day I will look back and see that I’m not missing anything, that life is exactly the way I want it to be, and I am extremely satisfied. That is my hope. My hope is that I will look back at this transition time and be proud of myself for the way I handled this transition. My hope is that I will be happy with our choices, and I will never regret anything.

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