Putting Myself First
This year has been difficult to say the least. There’s been a lot of ups and downs with Chris. There’s been a lot of ups and downs personally. There’s been a lot of change in myself and outward appearance of myself.
September 11th I started the Ketogenic Diet. I finally decided I deserved to put myself first. I decided that I was tired of being overweight and miserable. I was tired of hating myself every time I looked in the mirror. I was tired of just surviving life. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be confident. I wanted to be worthy. I preach so much to my friends that they are worthy of love and respect and yet I wasn’t living that myself. I finally had enough. Two women I know through the baby wearing community started a class called Kickstarting Keto so I found the money in our budget and did it. I finally put myself first and invested in my own happiness instead of others.
I won’t lie, it has been difficult to stick to this diet. I went from eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to 3 meals a day and no carbs (under 20 a day). Most importantly, I have had to break the emotional ties to food that I have. My entire life food has been a crutch to get through emotional times and in order to be successful in this, I have had to work through a lot of emotions. There has been a lot of self-reflection; a lot of in my head times. BUT…I have been successful. I have lost 46 pounds since September 11th. I’ve gone from a size 24 (I’m ashamed to admit that) to an 18. Most importantly, I have found my confidence. I’m finding confidence that I lost many years ago when faced with divorce. I’m finding confidence I don’t know that I have ever had. I am finding happiness inside of me that has never been there. I am a lovable person, both inside and out, and I deserve to be happy, respected, cherished, loved. I deserve it all. I deserve all of the things I tell my friends they deserve. Why am I less than them, just because I was unhappy with myself? I’m not. I am worth it. I deserve every single good thing everyone else deserves. I deserve the blessings God has given me. I deserve to be loved fully. I deserve it all.
2017 has been a year of growth for me. It hasn’t been easy, and it hasn’t been free of pain. There’s been a lot of tears, a lot of introspection, and a lot of praying that God gives me the strength, patience, courage, and love to continue with this path and to continue my growth and change. I have to tell my brain to shut up a lot. I have to tell my brain that I am not that same unhappy, unconfident person. I have to tell my brain that we are worthy of love and respect. I am a huge mess but a huge work in progress. To my friends and family who have supported me through this: Thank you, more than I can say. I love you guys with all of my heart, which is pretty big and starting to let go of the walls around it.