Struggles in Faith
Being a mom to special needs children and medically complex children is exhausting. It’s lonely. It’s draining. You have so much on your shoulders. You have the entire world, or what feels like it, resting on your shoulders. Your children depend on you. Your husband depends on you to keep the home life going. You juggle appointments and budgets and special diets. You juggle medications and schedules all while trying to give your kids a normal life. You try to keep them plugged in with their friends or with activities. It is never ending, even more so when you have multiple children with different needs. It’s often isolating, so very isolating, because often nobody really gets what it’s like unless you happen to find another mom to special needs children. Even then sometimes parents just don’t get it. I don’t feel right complaining so I just put on a happy face and keep going. If I don’t put the walls up, then I won’t survive so I just keep swimming.
The hardest thing that I’ve struggled with internally is my faith. For the longest time I did not understand why God would give innocent children all of these diseases to deal with. Why would He put this on them? They’re just babies. They don’t deserve to suffer. They don’t deserve to go through all of these medical procedures. They don’t deserve blood work and surgeries and countless doctor’s appointments. I was angry at God. So angry. Why me? Why my children? Why now? I’m not strong enough, God, to handle this, so why? Haven’t we been through enough with the miscarriages, and Caleb’s birth and NICU stay, and me almost dying. That doesn’t even include all of the instability personally due to job changes and moving. So WHY?? WHY ME? What have I done so wrong that I deserve this life?
I admit that even now I have been questioning. Not just medical wise, but everything going on in my life. Why do I keep going through turmoil? Why can’t life just be smooth sailing even just for a month? Just when I think things are going okay another change happens or another kid gets sick or needs surgery. I just want one easy month. I feel selfish asking for that, but sometimes I just want no illness, doctor’s appointments, surgeries, or stress for a little while.
So tonight I was reading my Seamless Bible study, and in it Angie Smith asked us to read John 9:1-3. Before that she was talking about how we need to trust God and remain faithful, and says that our sins do not cause bad things to happen because we are saved by the love of Jesus Christ. Then she had us read the scripture. It says “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, ” but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him” (John 9:1-3 NIV). Let me repeat the last part “But this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him”.
Y’all. This spoke right to my heart. It hit me deep in my soul. God loves us. He is love. He sent Jesus down to us, and Jesus died on the cross for our sins. My sins, my imperfect nature, did not cause my son to be sick. I did not cause my sons to struggle and have varying illnesses and struggles. My sons were entrusted to me so that they can show God’s mercy, grace, and love to others. In their short time on this Earth, how have we been able to share God’s amazingly awesome love?
The pregnancies and deliveries of all of my babies, but especially Caleb. God gave me the message that Caleb’s birth would be hard, and in order to not have a serious emergency, I needed to have a c-section. I told my doctor my feelings I had, and she trusted my instincts, so we had a c-section. If not for that c-section I don’t think I would be here today. Caleb was born not breathing, and blue, and then he crashed and he was placed on a ventilator. I was bleeding so severely she had to manually massage my uterus from the inside to get it to stop bleeding. If I wouldn’t have been in the OR, that wouldn’t have been able to happen.
Ben’s existence is a miracle in of itself. One day I’ll share, but God placed this baby with us because He knew Ben was exactly what we all needed in order to heal and move on from Caleb’s traumatic beginning.
Chris’ first anaphylactic reaction. My allergy pack was in the van which was not at the house. It was by God’s hand that I was able to remember I had an extra Epi-Pen and Benadryl and where I had put it when we moved. They were hidden in a suitcase in my closet, and I was able to have a clear mind and knew exactly where they were despite not seeing them for months and months.
Yes EOE sucks, and it sucks that Chris is having to go through with this, but maybe, just maybe, we will be able to share more of how awesome our God is by miracles that will happen with Chris and with all of our children.
God is working in my life. He’s working in our lives. I just have to stop having pity parties and open my heart to faith. I have to have faith and know that He will not leave me alone. Another good quote that I heard. “God wants us to act out of faith, not how we view our circumstances.” Yes life is difficult. Everyone has their own struggles, but God wants us to lean on Him and know that He loves us. He will never leave us to flounder as long as we remain faithful.